I Hate Myself Because I Need Help
If you spend any appreciable amount of time with me, you’re bound to notice that my self-deprecation is genuine to the point of self-loathing. Yes, there are things that I pride myself in, but those are the very things that generally guilt me into feeling the way I do.
Let me start from the beginning. My family gave up everything and came here without anything. They will tell you that they had each other, but even still, they came here without anything. That was the one time my family accepted help. They have to a degree unimaginable succeeded in repaying those people in helping them.
I grew up without a need. I grew up without the fear of war. I grew up without the fear of impeding death. I grew up without truly experiencing poverty even when I was surrounded by it. My parents blessed me with genetics I don’t deserve. I’m talented in things I have no right to be even mediocre. I grew up without want. I grew up with support. When I’m thousands of dollars in the hole from an unexpected expense, I have a godfather who bails me out. That’s just preposterous.
I have the best friends in the world… not even kidding. My friends have provided almost anything and everything for me… a place to live… even jobs… even things to do on the side that I can get money for. It’s ridiculous how supportive they are. I have no excuses. None.
My inability to focus derails me in so many ways that I can’t even describe, and I hate that that failure impedes my life. Anytime I achieve a little victory over it, I feel relief, but it is immediately followed by, “Why can’t you do that every time?”
That’s why I’ve been so angry about graduating law school. The gravy train of help should have ended. I should be grinding out every single hour for every single dollar. I should be my own man. I should be repaying the world. I hate the whole academic legal world because it has deprived me of a chance to relieve my burden.
Logically, I know everyone asks and accepts help. I just never feel like I deserve it because I have no excuses. Why should someone have to help me if I’m emotionally hung up on something? Why should someone help me if my failure was self inflicted?
People ask why I’m generous with others and ask for nothing. It’s because I have received so much without ever asking. I honestly want to give more than I ever take. Isn’t that how the world is supposed to work? People ask me how I do it without judging. I definitely judge and critique, but at the end of it, I compare it to my own failings and I always feel like mine have been worse.
I can’t pretend to be sincerely altruistic. It comes from guilt from having receiving so much when I don’t deserve it. It also comes from my belief that I have the responsibility to leave things better than I found it. I don’t ask for anything back because I have already taken more than I deserve.
People say you are your own worst critic, but I feel every day that I am not critical enough because I should be further than where I am.