Things I Learned While Listening To My Family
Sitting around listening to my dad and his brothers… this is what I learned (These are not my opinions. They’re just lessons I’m being taught.)
If you wrap a brick of sodium with wax paper and drop it into Biscayne Bay, wait awhile… watch the explosion… stare at the floating fish… redneck cops will not likely think you did anything wrong as long as you don’t stink of dynamite.
If you want to make a candlewax fireball…. don’t melt a quarter cup of wax to make a fireball… don’t spit water onto it… and don’t expect to keep any hair on your face.
If you’re supposed to feed your university’s biology department’s boa constrictor… don’t only thaw the outside of the frozen chicken… it won’t survive having a giant ice cube inside of its body.
If you’re totally healthy and you’re suddenly weak… and end up in the ER… and they can’t figure out why your potassium levels are so low… they should just look back at the chart at the ridiculously high arsenic levels in your system… also… if your wife insists that you keep drinking diet soda that she prepares… and you keep feeling sick… it might be anti-freeze.
Garter snakes and lizards have two penises.
Sometimes the family will require you to operate on a live chicken and expect it to survive.
Panhandle Florida weather is not conducive to some seasonal plants.
Greyhound buses in the ‘70’s and ’80’s often had seats covered in jeri curl juice.
The next bubble to burst will be education because of market saturation of colleges, inflated tuition costs, devaluing of degrees, teachers unions protecting under performing teachers, inability of neighborhoods to sustain schools due to lack of tax revenue, and idiots are teaching our children.
It is not unusual for all the males in the family to skip school, play sports, and still make A’s. It is also irresponsible.
Do not allow your church to rent out its community center without providing security or else the kids will pull out guns and shoot it in the sky to celebrate July the 4th.
Alligator doesn’t qualify as meat for Fridays during Lent. It swims, it has to be fished, it lives in water, and both the Chinese and Vietnamese name origins refer to it as a fish.
Flash fires will singe your hair but won’t burn your skin badly.
You have to throw your cast net up and out.
If you inject cyanide into a mouse… it will jump into the air from the getting stuck… but it will be dead before it hits the ground.
Don’t buy a lawnmower that is too big for your yard.
Showering and Aqua Velva is a clear sign for some that you’re about to go on a date.
Some people think that Americans are as dumb as cattle.